Are You Listening?

 I am an extrovert. 

I have no trouble conversing with anyone - young or old, friend or stranger. Often, I talk excessively. And on the other side of the excessive talk is a problem, I don't always listen well. This is part of my personal "soul work," to consider this issue and how it impacts my relationship with others. There are a variety of ways that I have responded to others that are unhelpful. These ways reveal that I am more interested in talking at others than being with them and listening to them.

 "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." James 1:19

Listening has become a lost art.

Listening well is critical for all of us, for extroverts and introverts. Below is a list of unhelpful and unhealthy ways that I have shown up with others that has prevented me from truly listening.

* The Expert - I portray myself as one with vast knowledge on a variety of topics, and I am dying to let others know what I know. Even when no one asks for it, insight and information are given. This will often include ways to fix the problem, or fix the person with the problem.

* Self Important - Only slightly different than the advice-giving expert. This perspective is usually not fueled by humility and integrity, but by a desire to be seen and heard. At times my response to a friend might begin, "Yes, but I..." or "I remember a time when I..." as the spotlight gets shifted onto me.

* The Guide - Often masquerading as compassionate, I have come at friends full of advice that usually comes unsolicited. I have much experience that I believe will help others on their journey. Like a parent instructing a child, I can give the impression that I know exactly what the other person is dealing with and I know how to help. The truth is, I do have a heart to help. But sadly, I have failed to see that simply listening, and being present with others, can actually be helpful.

* Distracted - How many times do you check your phone or smartwatch during a face to face interaction with someone? It is something that I do from time to time. Rather than eagerly engaging with others, I seem to be elsewhere. There may be a dozen other things on my "To Do" list for the day and my mind is getting pulled in other directions. Multitasking doesn't contribute to being a good listener. When we enter into conversation with others, it is beneficial to completely eliminate distractions so we can offer undivided attention to the person in front of us. My distraction sends the message, "You are not really important."

* Uncomfortable with Silence - Awkward pauses are sometimes, awkward. Many of us believe the space around us must be filled with words. That is why I am often talkative. Westerners are generally unaccustomed to stillness. Sitting with a friend in silence may cause us to wonder what is wrong. Silence is not bad. In fact, it can be very meaningful and powerful.

* Totally Unaware - There are those times when I am oblivious, completely unaware of what I am doing or saying. Some of us live this way much of the time. It can be similar to distraction. But this can happen when we are consumed with our own issues and are not mindful of those around us.

I'm Not Truly Listening.

Most of the time, when I show up like these examples, I am simply not listening. I have become aware that I might only be listening for the information to use to correct or inform the other person. The problem is, instead of focusing on the other person and connecting to them with genuine compassion, I am thinking and planning. Unless we are in a collaborative discussion, designed to identify potential solutions or offer suggestions, it is more helpful not to talk or think about our response. Also, if you are not in a position to give full attention to a friend, it is okay to request another opportunity when you will be able to actually listen.

How can we Help?

I help others best when I focus on them and what they need in the moment. Instead of giving advice, a helpful response might be, "What do you need?" This question provides an opportunity for someone to ask for help, rather than have it foist upon them. Perhaps their greatest need is simply to be heard. After someone shares what is happening in their life, a great response is, "Thank you." Either of these responses can communicate that we see the person, acknowledge that they have value, and that we have been listening. It is a great privilege to be on the journey with others. However, sometimes I have interjected words when simply being present was exactly what was needed. Learning to listen well will strengthen every relationship.

I've been "That Guy!"

I'm not pointing fingers, I'm looking in the mirror. At times, I have actually turned interactions into my personal "monologue." I have dominated conversations. I have ignored my friends and family. I have been condescending and self centered. I have offered unsolicited advice and portrayed myself as the expert. I have not always listened well. And, thankfully, I am aware of it. So, I am working on talking less and listening more, in order to truly love others well.

Perhaps you can see yourself on the list. Maybe you recognize that others have interacted with you in similar ways. What are you aware of as you look at the list? Go ahead, I'm listening.

"Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin." Proverbs 13:3