Are You Listening?

 I am an extrovert. 

I have no trouble conversing with anyone - young or old, friend or stranger. Often, I talk excessively. And on the other side of the excessive talk is a problem, I don't always listen well. This is part of my personal "soul work," to consider this issue and how it impacts my relationship with others. There are a variety of ways that I have responded to others that are unhelpful. These ways reveal that I am more interested in talking at others than being with them and listening to them.

 "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." James 1:19

Listening has become a lost art.

Listening well is critical for all of us, for extroverts and introverts. Below is a list of unhelpful and unhealthy ways that I have shown up with others that has prevented me from truly listening.

* The Expert - I portray myself as one with vast knowledge on a variety of topics, and I am dying to let others know what I know. Even when no one asks for it, insight and information are given. This will often include ways to fix the problem, or fix the person with the problem.

* Self Important - Only slightly different than the advice-giving expert. This perspective is usually not fueled by humility and integrity, but by a desire to be seen and heard. At times my response to a friend might begin, "Yes, but I..." or "I remember a time when I..." as the spotlight gets shifted onto me.

* The Guide - Often masquerading as compassionate, I have come at friends full of advice that usually comes unsolicited. I have much experience that I believe will help others on their journey. Like a parent instructing a child, I can give the impression that I know exactly what the other person is dealing with and I know how to help. The truth is, I do have a heart to help. But sadly, I have failed to see that simply listening, and being present with others, can actually be helpful.

* Distracted - How many times do you check your phone or smartwatch during a face to face interaction with someone? It is something that I do from time to time. Rather than eagerly engaging with others, I seem to be elsewhere. There may be a dozen other things on my "To Do" list for the day and my mind is getting pulled in other directions. Multitasking doesn't contribute to being a good listener. When we enter into conversation with others, it is beneficial to completely eliminate distractions so we can offer undivided attention to the person in front of us. My distraction sends the message, "You are not really important."

* Uncomfortable with Silence - Awkward pauses are sometimes, awkward. Many of us believe the space around us must be filled with words. That is why I am often talkative. Westerners are generally unaccustomed to stillness. Sitting with a friend in silence may cause us to wonder what is wrong. Silence is not bad. In fact, it can be very meaningful and powerful.

* Totally Unaware - There are those times when I am oblivious, completely unaware of what I am doing or saying. Some of us live this way much of the time. It can be similar to distraction. But this can happen when we are consumed with our own issues and are not mindful of those around us.

I'm Not Truly Listening.

Most of the time, when I show up like these examples, I am simply not listening. I have become aware that I might only be listening for the information to use to correct or inform the other person. The problem is, instead of focusing on the other person and connecting to them with genuine compassion, I am thinking and planning. Unless we are in a collaborative discussion, designed to identify potential solutions or offer suggestions, it is more helpful not to talk or think about our response. Also, if you are not in a position to give full attention to a friend, it is okay to request another opportunity when you will be able to actually listen.

How can we Help?

I help others best when I focus on them and what they need in the moment. Instead of giving advice, a helpful response might be, "What do you need?" This question provides an opportunity for someone to ask for help, rather than have it foist upon them. Perhaps their greatest need is simply to be heard. After someone shares what is happening in their life, a great response is, "Thank you." Either of these responses can communicate that we see the person, acknowledge that they have value, and that we have been listening. It is a great privilege to be on the journey with others. However, sometimes I have interjected words when simply being present was exactly what was needed. Learning to listen well will strengthen every relationship.

I've been "That Guy!"

I'm not pointing fingers, I'm looking in the mirror. At times, I have actually turned interactions into my personal "monologue." I have dominated conversations. I have ignored my friends and family. I have been condescending and self centered. I have offered unsolicited advice and portrayed myself as the expert. I have not always listened well. And, thankfully, I am aware of it. So, I am working on talking less and listening more, in order to truly love others well.

Perhaps you can see yourself on the list. Maybe you recognize that others have interacted with you in similar ways. What are you aware of as you look at the list? Go ahead, I'm listening.

"Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin." Proverbs 13:3

American Religion

This week I was struck by the following quote:

"The real religion of America has always been America itself; our religion has largely been civil religion for the sake of social order more than for any soul transformation." Richard Rohr, Adam's Return

I am regularly pondering and evaluating my own ministry, as well as my personal walk with Jesus. I've got plenty of work to do in my own heart. And American religion is on shaky ground.

If the latest national election has taught us anything it is that politics have clearly infiltrated American religion. It almost seems that for many, politics have become a quasi religion. Candidates from both parties are wildly praised for their ability to save our country, if only we will embrace them and follow after them. It is not our country that needs saving.

Politics aside, mainly because I detest them, Western Christianity is often adrift from its essential moorings. Love, grace, compassion, and humility are sorely lacking in our dialog, especially on social media. Caring for widows, orphans, and the marginalized is far down the "To Do" list for the average church-goer. And "Celebrity Pastors" become the focus of attention, rather than Jesus of Nazareth.

Although I believe that God is still working in hearts, and lives are being changed by the good news of Jesus, continued soul transformation sometimes takes a back seat to building bigger, more dynamic, cutting edge ministries. American religion is creeping closer and closer to...just that, religion, rather than a life-altering relationship with the Creator of the Universe.

Anchored and Secure

When I pay attention to my reactions to others, I can learn something. It happens in actual, personal conversations, but also on social media. Something is said, something is posted, or something is done, and I want to react or respond.

There are times when I feel as if I need to prove myself. Sometimes I respond in order to promote myself (or my opinion or my way of thinking). Other times I want to defend myself, as if I am being attacked or my "tribe" is being threatened.

These three responses are seldom the overflow of love, grace, compassion, wisdom, or humility. Often they are driven by shame or fear. When I want to offer a forceful response I am often concerned with being right, being strong, or looking good. Heaven forbid others view me as weak, or incapable, or deficient in any way.

Here are two helpful verses from Scripture. If I keep them in front of me during tense interactions they may save me from hurting others or acting inappropriately.

"This I know, that God is for me." (Psalm 56:9)

"If God is for us who can be against us." (Romans 8:31)

In Christ, I am totally anchored and secure. I already have all that I need. Ultimately, there is nothing for me to prove, nothing to promote, and nothing to defend. When I stand firmly in that place, where I know that I am safe and loved by God, I am able to love others and respond wisely. It is a place of peace and strength.

I am not saying we should never respond or reply. However, when I examine my motives first, I can be guided in how to respond in a helpful way. A vigorous response, aimed at putting someone else in their place, is often an indication that I may have work to do in my own heart.

Look at some of your recent interactions where you have reacted loudly, harshly, or strongly. Maybe there is something for you to learn. Regardless of what someone else says or does, in Christ you are always anchored and secure. Let that truth rest on your heart and guide your interactions.

What did Jesus finish?

With his last breath Jesus uttered a final word, translated into English, "It is finished!"

The eternal Son of God, who fully embraced humanity by becoming a man, accomplished what no human being could. We likely can't fully grasp the magnitude of the horrific event that occurred on the cross. Some have attempted to describe the physical aspects of crucifixion, and it was vividly portrayed in the film "The Passion of the Christ." It certainly must have been terribly gruesome and excruciating. However, what we may gloss over is the emotional and psychological aspects of what happened to Jesus as he was consumed by sin that was not his own. He took upon himself wickedness that was gravely offensive to God the Father. The combination of all of this torture and trauma was exactly what the Lord would have avoided if God would have provided a different path. 

But the cross was the path.

With that final declaration Jesus completed an enormous task fueled by God's love for mankind.

Salvation. 

Atonement. 

Forgiveness. 

Eternal life. 

The way into God's presence. 

The power and effect of this event stands as the single most significant act in all of human history. And it served to provide the solution to the deepest longing in every human heart - connection to God himself in the most meaningful way. When we embrace Jesus' finished work on our behalf we come home in the truest sense. We gain everything that was lost in the Garden of Eden because of Adam's failure to trust God completely.

As we approach "Good Friday" perhaps it will be helpful to slow down and consider exactly what was "finished" and why it matters.

Pondering Loss and Living

I have dealt with my share of loss. Everyone has. No need to compare. 

Earlier today something that I looked at reminded me that my dad died about this time of the year. I have a hard time recalling specific dates, I don't commit such details to memory. So I looked it up.

Kelly Henson Cyrus died on November 19, 2002. It was 18 years ago today. I'm not sure why, but God led me down this path this morning and now, here I am - remembering, pondering my father and my loss and life. There are feelings of grief and sadness. It's okay, I'm not afraid of those feelings or of the tears. Tears are a God-given means of experiencing various aspects of life. Both sadness and joy. Tears can be cleansing and can often open the door for healing. As I ponder my loss, and also my life, I long for clarity and more awareness.

Loss could be the byword for the year 2020.

18 years ago today I was nearly finished with my first semester of seminary (which had been brutal on it's own). My wife and I, along with two small girls, had picked up and moved to Louisville on August 1st, leaving everything familiar in West Virginia. We learned about my dad's cancer after we moved. It had spread. He knew, but told no one. It was sometime in September, as I recall, that he let others know. His plan was to finish out his days at home, on his terms. Which is perfectly okay. Actually, that is perhaps the most honorable way to do it. My dad  had done everything he wanted to do, or at least what he could manage to do in his 82 years. Up to the end, he had spent the previous 20 years in his garden, fishing and running his dogs. He enjoyed it all. He read his Bible, and walked with Jesus, and engaged with his family. He loved us as best as he could manage. He was an imperfect human being. Like me. And you.

I think my grief is tied to the loss of time with him - good time, in my judgement. I can clearly see three phases of my life and relationship with him, each spanning about 18 years. I missed out on some things in the first 18 years of my life, since he was pretty hard on me as a little guy, and we were often at odds during my teenage years. For the next 18 years I was off at college and beginning my adult life, with little significant connection with him. We were not estranged, but I was trying to figure things out and I didn't ask for his help. And of course, even more significant, these last 18 years following his death. Much has happened in my life since 2002, and my father wasn't part of it. But I realize he influenced me in many ways. So he has been part of it. He is part of my story.

My life has been a mix of all the things, the helpful and the hard. There is no way to go back. But I want to learn and grow moving forward. I realize that I did learn in those earlier years. I endured some wounding and, sadly, I inflicted some wounds. Again, I can't change any of those hard things. But I can understand them, feel all the emotions around them, and seek some healing. I can receive God's grace and extend it to others, including my father.

And I can live.

And, as we all know more keenly from recent months, I will continue to experience loss. It's all part of the whole. I believe it is helpful to ponder it all, the loss and the living.

What A Difference A Pandemic Makes

We are 22 weeks into the craziness that is our current situation. Frankly I'm not interested in discussing the way everything has been handled or the validity of restrictions or the veracity of the virus. I have opinions about all of it, like everyone else. Some of my opinions are informed by helpful research and some are knee-jerk, fluid and filled with frustration. It is helpful to discuss them with trusted friends who are willing to listen and dialog. It is not helpful to word vomit my frustrations and limited wisdom so others may join me in aimless speculation fueled mostly by items found on social media. I have fought that urge many times over the last 4 months and I hope to maintain a sense of decorum and civility.

I am posting at this point to share something that might be helpful. Below is the very first Facebook Live video that I did on Sunday, March 15 2020. - week #1 of the "shut down." It was the first Sunday that our congregation was not meeting in our building. I was completely caught off guard and had never even attempted a Live video. None of us had any idea what was coming. It was early Spring, the weather was still cool and I think most of us believed the quarantine would only last a few weeks at most. As of today, we are nearly 150 days into this situation and the changes keep coming.

However, there is a constancy for those who have a connection with the immutable God of the universe. The Psalmist reminds us, "Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God." His abiding presence, power and love, as well as the prayers and fellowship of others, has sustained me during the pandemic. While there is still uncertainty, turmoil and loss, Jesus gives me peace. That peace is the topic of the devotional below. It was interesting for me to watch it again, knowing what I know now. Perhaps it will be a blessing to you.

[ Please excuse the poor video quality, I was learning. 😁]

 

We Need One Another

The following was part of an email I sent to our congregation. Perhaps it will be helpful for you.

Is there anything you need?

Take minute to reflect on that question.

I want to encourage you to consider what you need and to use your voice and ask for it (from me and others in your life). Perhaps you need prayer, or help with a project or task, or clarity around a conversation, or someone to just listen to your heart, or advice before you make a decision...there are hundreds of things you or I might need. And there are things that can block us from asking or expressing our needs. Sharing your needs with others is part of living in community and allowing yourself to be seen and known. Expressing your needs to others is not a sign of weakness. It is not burdensome, inappropriate or presumptuous.

I'm open to hearing from you. I hope we will be open to one another, to share our needs and to ask one another for help. And using your voice goes both ways. We have to ask for what we need (because people can't read our minds) and we must be honest about our ability or willingness to meet the needs of others.

I may not always get what I want/need even when I ask, and that's okay. Here's why, because ultimately I already have everything I need. Because in Christ, I am totally secure and I don't have to depend on others to complete me. But, the beauty of Christian community is that Jesus can work through others to meet our needs and assist us along the way. And he is with us too.