Who Gives This Woman?

Two months ago I was asked that question: "Who gives this woman into the care of this man?" Of course I responded as I was supposed to respond, "Her mother and I" (with a little lump in my throat). And with that, a peck on her cheek and the rest of the ceremony, my daughter was married. It was a blessed and joyful day of celebration!

And it all went so fast: the walk down the aisle, the ceremony...but especially the last twenty two years! How is it possible that the little girl I rocked to sleep is now a married woman, a college graduate, working fulltime, paying bills and all of that? 

I'm extremely happy for her and her husband, who is a wonderful young man! They are both special people. They are well grounded and mature. They are quite suited to one another. I am joyful and excited for what the future holds for them as they begin this journey of marriage. But, as the reality of this starts to sink in, I am experiencing other emotions too. It is very quiet at our house. Her room is dark. Her chair at the dinner table is empty. Her car isn't parked in the driveway. We don't see her very often. There is a subtle layer of sadness connected to these things.

How is it possible to be joyful and sad at the same time?

My wife and I are heading into our 25th year of marriage. I know what marriage is like. All of it. While we have enjoyed a wonderful marriage, there have been hard times too. People are people, they come with all sorts of "junk" and are not always easy to live with. I realize my daughter will deal with her fair share of struggle. Something inside of me wants to protect her from it. So, amid the joy and sadness, there is also a bit of anxiousness for the inevitable difficult times the newlyweds will encounter. However, it is her life to live...and enjoy and hurt and grow.

Emotions, which are gifts from God, are curious things. They are not meant to be avoided or disregarded. All of our emotions, the hard and the pleasurable, are intended from our Creator to be felt and they can "be our teachers." Part of the process of feeling those emotions is expressing them with trusted others.  Moreover, we can ask ourselves why we are feeling these things and take time to consider some deeper things behind them. I've done that privately. With this blog post I am sharing openly with you too, along with this offering: Don't run from your emotions, feel them. Be inquisitive about the reasons behind them. Allow God to use them to teach you what He is like and what is in the depths of your own heart.

Men Make Men

Its true, men make men.

Or we could say, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:7)

Actually, and more importantly, fathers who invest in their sons make men. But western culture has moved away from this in a variety of ways. Absent fathers, or fathers who are disconnected from their sons and emotionally stunted, play a role in this matter. Add to that the "pornification" of our culture that twists the minds of young boys and men. Sadly, we have also abandoned customs and rituals that bless sons and usher them into manhood. The concept of what it means to be a man is often diluted to little more than sports clichés and locker room jokes.

I don't have a son, I have daughters. But my hope is that I have modeled for my daughters what godly manhood looks like. And my prayer is, they will recognize genuine masculinity and seek that in their future spouses.

I recently read this article that nails this issue directly. The author, who is much more articulate than I am, explains the problem in greater depth. Take five minutes to read it and perhaps discover what's behind your own story of learning to be a man.

My father was not absent, but he was limited in his own ability to teach me. I'm not sure his father ever really connected with him on a deep level. Hard work, hunting, fishing and other sports were a big part of my man-training. Not bad things, just not enough. We didn't talk about life. He didn't share much about his story. He did love me and he even said the words (which I believe is important). I did finally see him cry and show a measure of authentic emotion, but this only occurred as I was heading off to college and well on the way to forming my ideas about manhood. He did the best he could. It is only in the last several years that I have become aware of how my father influenced me and my view of masculinity and a host of other areas. Thankfully, this growing awareness has been helpful. I don't spend time lamenting what I didn't receive from my father. He was a broken man, like me. I am thankful for him. But also, I am thankful for the men who have come into my life more recently who have been part of challenging me to authentic masculinity. Even in my 50's I am learning what it means to be a man. Maybe I can be part of encouraging others.

Soulful Relationships

I've just finished reading The Relational Soul: Moving from False Self to Deep Connection. All I can say is, "Wow, everyone must read this book!" It is that good and helpful.

Here is a sampling of the deep delights in this work by Rich Plass and Jim Cofield:

"Our relational God heals our wounds, not simply by decree but by inviting us into a participatory life of communion with him."

"The good news of Jesus is not religious doctrine; it is not an idea; it is not a set of beliefs to be embraced. The good news is the loving presence of the Trinitarian God in the person of the eternal Son dwelling within us. We have life in him, not in our ideas about him."

"Our soul has terrain that is deeper than what we think. In this terrain of the soul there is knowledge of truth, love and mercy that is far more than mere information... The soul's deepest terrain is not experienced by more thinking or doing, but by means of solitude and silence."

If you long for better relationships with a spouse or friends, and feel blocked or stuck in those relationships, this book might be helpful. If you want to better understand how God has made us for relationships and why they can be hard, this book might be insightful. You can get a copy here.

Enjoy!